10 Things You Should Stop Apologizing for at Work

Apologizing and over-apologizing is a mostly female pursuit.  We apologize to avoid conflict.  We apologize to show deference to others.  We apologize to appear selfless.  We even apologize to inanimate objects when we bump into them.  But our penchant for apologizing can hold us back at work.

Constantly saying ‘sorry’ for minor transgressions gives the appearance of weakness and insecurity.  And when you make a lot of unnecessary apologies, it makes the larger, necessary ones seem insincere.  Over time, your many apologies stack up and give the appearance of incompetence.

Beyond outward appearances, frequent apologies can also undermine our self-confidence.  Apologizing puts you in the subordinate position, and constantly being on your back foot isn’t good for your self-worth.

It’s important to make meaningful apologies when actual wrong has been done.  But too often, women are apologizing reflexively for small errors, both real and perceived.  And those are the apologies that we need to stop making.

Retraining ourselves to stop the chorus of apologies starts with controlling our habitual responses and re-molding our speech.  Here are a few strategies you can employ to cut back on the impulsive apologies.

• Instead of saying, “I’m sorry,” when you bump into someone, say, “pardon me.”  You can also rely on “pardon me” when interrupting.
• Never start a question with an apology, the common “I’m sorry, but….”   Instead, if you feel the need to preface your query, say something like “quick question” or “building on that point.”
• Don’t apologize when someone alerts you to a small mistake in your work.  Express gratitude for the other person by saying something like “good catch,” “thanks for spotting that,” or “I appreciate you bringing that to my attention.”
• Learn to decline a request without saying you’re sorry.  “No” is a complete sentence. So is “I can’t.”  If you must be polite, you can always offer up another time or another solution.
• Never apologize when requesting something you’re entitled to have.  For example, when you need paperwork from a colleague or equipment set up for a presentation.
• Don’t apologize when asking a subordinate to perform a task in their job description (“I’m sorry, but can you make copies of this?”).  It weakens your position.  Ask politely, be respectful, but don’t be sorry for asking someone to do their job.
• Proofread e-mails to remove reflexive apologies.  Recently, I’ve caught myself writing the phrase, “My apologies” a lot, and I need to stop.
• Never say you’re sorry for being on vacation or needing time to catch up after you’ve been on leave.  You are entitled to take a break and to occasionally be absent.  Acting like you need to apologize reinforces the idea that time away isn’t something employees deserve.
• There is no reason to apologize for expressing an opinion contrary to someone else’s.  It weakens your argument.  It also concedes the high ground by putting their opinion in the prime position and makes yours just the other, lesser opinion.
• Don’t apologize for delivering bad news, like telling someone they won’t be getting a bonus or a promotion.  Starting with “I’m sorry” shifts the narrative, and it undermines your power by making it sound like you’re the reason they’re not getting a raise, instead of their own performance.

These are just a sampling of the many ways that women reflexive apologize at work.  Apologizing is a vice, a weakness we indulge in because we don’t feel entitled to take up all the space that we deserve.  Say you’re sorry when it’s necessary and meaningful, but don’t apologize simply to make others more comfortable or interject.  #sorrynotsorry

Do you apologize a lot?  What kinds of apologies do you find yourself making?  And what tips and tricks do you have for quitting?

{Afterthought: A reader in the comments mentioned a Chrome Extension called Just Not Sorry.  It proofreads emails to remove apologies and phrases that weaken your argument.}