Golden Globes 2016: Belle’s Morning After Recap

Last night was the 73rd Golden Globe Awards.  I didn’t host my usual Red Carpet liveblog because I was making a statement about celebrity in the age of social media and how it’s causing America’s youth to overvalue fame and worship the famous.

Just kidding.

There was no liveblog because I forgot that the Golden Globes were even happening.  Once I learned that the nominees and winners are chosen through a combination of bribery and nepotism, I lost interest.  And given how disappointing the gowns have been over the past few years, I’ve completely lost my reason to watch.  But not my reason to recap.

Let’s start with the dresses that made you go, ‘Who the hell chose that?’.

 

Katy Perry channels her inner Snooki with a hairdo that can only be described as “Bump-It” worthy.

Kirsten Dunst in Valentino

I’ve never been a big fan of dresses that show a lot of cleavage.  But if you want to show off your assets, it’s probably a good idea not to choose a dress that makes it look like your breasts ripped your gown Hulk-style while trying to escape.

Rooney Mara in Alexander McQueen

It looks like Mara slaughtered a few of the Miracle Mops from the movie Joy and wore their pelts to the show to celebrate her triumph.

Kate Hudson in Michael Kors Collection

Hudson’s dress looks like it’s constructed from sparkly Ace bandages.  Oddly, the dress has no midriff or sleeves, but it does have a back.

Jennifer Lopez in Giambattista Valli

I kept wondering why this dress looked familiar.  Then I remembered that my parents had these same goldenrod curtains in their living room in 1983.  Glad to see J.Lo upcycling.

*She looked much better in her sleek, white after-party dress.

Maggie Gyllenhaal in Marc Jacobs

If J.Lo was wearing a set of 80s curtains, Gyllenhaal was wearing the couch to match.  Not my Mother’s couch, of course.  She would never have allowed fabric this atrocious into her home.  She was raising impressionable children after all.

Now that our retinas are sufficiently damaged, let’s take a moment to talk about the evening’s best dressed.  Like previous years, the best-dressed list is a sparsely populated utopia.

Helen Mirren in Badgley Mischka

Dame Helen Mirren lives up to her title by looking positively regal.  She has more style in her pinky finger than most actresses half her age.

Lily James in Marchesa

Several actresses tried to pull off the Grecian-inspired dress last night.  James did it by choosing a gown that used flowy, draped fabrics in a modern way.

Emmy Rossum in Giorgio Armani

You really can’t go wrong in a sleek red dress.  It’s a classic look that still makes a statement.  Of course, it’s been done before, but it never gets old.

Zendaya in Marchesa

This tiered lace dress in a deep burgundy grew on me the more I looked at it.  Her whole look is really well put together–the earrings, the clutch, the makeup–it all works.

But my best-dressed of the night goes to…

Queen Latifah, designer unknown

One of my biggest pet peeves is when women choose clothing that doesn’t flatter their bodies.  Here, Queen Latifah looks fresh in a bright aqua, and elegant in a gown that complements her shape beautifully.  The jeweled neckline is a really nice choice, and the more relaxed hairstyle keeps it from looking overdone.