Belle’s 2015 Oscar Red Carpet Roundup

In the early minutes of the Oscar Red Carpet, viewers are aflutter.  Who are you excited for? Who do you most want to see? We envision our favorites–Zoe, Emma, Lupita, Cate–in stunning, otherworldly creations.  There is so much hope, so much promise, the feeling that fashion glory will arrive in the next chauffeured town car.

But two hours in, the champagne-buzz begins to fade, you realize that you still haven’t seen a “WOW!” dress, and everything becomes relative.  You accept that the glories of Oscars past, of a Halle, Hilary, or Charlize moment, will not come to pass.  And suddenly a dress that is just “meh” becomes good, and good becomes great, and anything interesting becomes superb.  The bar falls so low that you could trip over it in those sky-high Jimmy Choos.

So you watch Seacrest bumble and shill in his Macy’s tuxedo.  You marvel at how predictable the questions are: “Is Selma an important movie?” “Was it hard to take 12 years to film Boyhood?” And you watch reality TV stars who are barely qualified to work retail tell you how they loved the “off-white, ice blue, kind of grey-ish color” of someone’s gown and fawn over the very looks they will rip to smithereens for ratings tomorrow.

By the time the evening is over, you want to line up all the stylists in Hollywood for a good, stern talking to.  But there’s always next year.

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Scarlett Johannson in Versace

The dress fits her beautifully (with a body like that, what doesn’t?) but I can’t shake the feeling that the necklace is trying to strangle her.  Scarlett, blink twice if you’re in danger…

Emma Stone in Reem Acra

Unlike most of the attendees, Emma’s hair survived the rain. But can I have this dress in any.other.color?  A nice emerald, perhaps?  Also, loving the double cuffs, so copying that.

Meryl Streep in Lanvin

“I’m Meryl Streep, I’ll wear whatever I want.  I have so many of these things that I could host my own awards show.  Be glad I don’t write and direct.”

Lady Gaga in Azzedine Alaia

Cinderella discovers that even princesses have to do the dishes.  Can’t keep Prince Charming with dishpan hands, thank goodness for these gloves.

There are plenty of people who will want you to ignore Gaga’s clumsy, confusing styling because “You don’t understand, this is an Alaia.”  But I will not be bought, she looks ridiculous.  Also, even if you love the dress itself, it is completely unsuited for someone barely five-feet tall.

Jennifer Hudson in Romona Keveza

With a handful yellow dresses on the red carpet, Hudson had the best one by far.  She put Nicole Kidman’s cellophane-sequin gown to shame.  Though the best yellow red carpet gown of all-time is still Michelle Williams.

Sienna Miller in Oscar de la Renta

This dress doesn’t photograph well, but I love the sheer bottom.  I really like how, even though the dress is black, it has a lightness to it.

Kerry Washington in Miu Miu

Several red carpets in a row, we’ve waited with bated breath of Kerry Washington only to be disappointed.  Where is the Kerry Washington of carpets past, and why has she been replaced with this snooze-fest?

Lupita Nyong’o in Calvin Klein and Gwyneth Paltrow in Ralph Russo

These dresses fall into the, “Not my favorite, but at least they’re interesting” category.  Lupita’s dress had 6,000 pearls on it; wearing it was probably a workout.  And even though Paltrow makes me want to boil a bunny, she can always be counted on to deliver something high fashion.

Rita Ora in Marchesa

This dress is proof that one good turn on the red carpet can make a C-list singer a household name.  Gorgeous.

Reese Witherspoon in Tom Ford

This dress doesn’t wow me.  But on such a lackluster red carpet, it’s a noteworthy performance.  Definitely not in the ballpark of Reese’s best.

Rosamund Pike in Givenchy

This woman is otherworldly beautiful.  Her skin is practically poreless, it makes me think that Buffalo Bill was on to something.  This gown accents her shape perfectly, and even on a red carpet, this red gown stands out in the crowd.

Cate Blanchett in John Galliano for Maison Martin Margiela

Cate never fails me.  This open-back dress with eyelash trim is fantastic.  And the turquoise-colored necklace is the perfect complement.

So who is my worst dressed person on the red carpet?

David Oyelowo in Dolce & Gabbana

Why shouldn’t a man be my worst dressed?  He has a stylist.  He’s a nominee.  What could possibly be the excuse for dressing like he’s on his way to the South Bend Indiana High School prom circa 1979?  That shiny vest and tie combo is pure cater waiter.  But, on the up side, it is tailored beautifully.

As for my best dressed…

Jamie Chung in Yanina Couture

I choose my best-dressed by one metric: At the end of the night, whose gown am I still thinking about.  A relatively unknown actress in a completely unknown Russian designer is a controversial choice to be sure.  Some of you will argue that Julianne Moore or Anna Kendrick or Faith Hill looked better.  But this look, with it’s gorgeous illusion gown and perfectly coiffed hair,  is the one I can’t shake.