2012 Golden Globes: File This Under: Meh

That sound you here is not the drone of holiday weekend traffic, it’s the collective snoring of thousands of fashionistas who eagerly tuned in to the Golden Globes red carpet expecting brilliance and received a boredom-induced coma instead.  I mean, seriously, how many B- gowns can one person be expected to sit through before she slips into the Land of Nod?  

I was so bored by the selection of gowns that Helena Bonham Carter could have shown up in two different colored shoes and I would have appreciated her brass.  (If you can’t give me something to love, at least give me something to hate!) But, instead, I drank my champagne and screamed at Seacrest’s inability to make conversation with anyone possessing an IQ in the triple digits and waited for a WOW! that never came.

Here are the gowns that made me go, “Meh.”

Paula Patton in Monique Lhuillier

I wanted to like Paula Patton in Tweety Bird yellow, I really did, but in a post-Michelle-Williams-in-Vera-Wang-circa-2006 world, a woman wearing yellow on the red carpet really has to bring it.  And Patton’s passing effort at glamour fails to carry the canary out of the coal mine.  Nice, but nothing special.

Stacy Keibler in Valentino

I have to admit, I was impressed that George Clooney’s current contract player, Stacy Keibler, chose a gown that was both striking and demure.  Were she a) a celebrity that I should actually care about and b) not wearing black platform sandals, she might have made the best dressed list.  But as it stands, she’s just the best looking girlfriend/travel companion/future Lifetime movie star on the carpet.  

Harsh, yes.  Accurate, also yes.

Freida Pinto in Prada

Unless you’re trying to conceal a pregnancy, there is no reason why a tiny woman should wear a dress large enough to smuggle a group of fifth graders under the skirt.  And don’t even get me started on the fat rolls that this ill-fitting dress conjured up from her under arm.  If it hadn’t been for her perfectly applied makeup and stunning Chopard necklace, Pinto would have made my worst dressed list for sure.

Mila Kunis in Dior

I liked this dress.  I liked the neckline. I liked the sheer pleating. I liked the just-full-enough skirt.  But I know that Mila Kunis can do better.  Compared to last year’s Vera Wang, this dress was barely an also-ran.

Reese Witherspoon in Zac Posen

I love Reese, and I appreciate that after years of being “America’s sweetheart,” she is finally ready to release her inner sex kitten, but this dress was a satin yawn-inducer.  Fitted red straples is as boring and safe this year as it was last year.  The only excitement this dress offers is the possibility of a wardrobe malfunction.  After all, Reese is 5’2″, so some taller gentlemen probably a bit more bust than Ms. Witherspoon intended.

Debra Messing in Monique Lhuillier

Given that Messing has been off the A-list radar for quite awhile, you would think that she’d pull out all the stops to make her red carpet appearance a smash.  Sadly, her black, one shoulder gown and thick eyeliner make me feel like I fell asleep and woke up in 2010. In the immortal words of Karen Walker, “Oh coulda, shoulda, Prada.”

And the winner of the “I was so close to Belle’s Best Dressed List that I could smell the cigar smoke” award goes to…A Three-Way Tie!!!

Natalie Portman in Lanvin

Point 1: This red and pink gown totally makes up for the atrocious red and pink Viktor & Rolf number that Portman wore to last year’s Golden Globes.  (Pregnancy is no excuse for wearing a giant, spangled rose on your bust.) Point 2: I wanted to put her on the Best Dressed List, but the asymmetric bustle was too distracting.  Every time I stopped to marvel at the dress’s intricate pleats and gathers, my eye would wander to the swath of fuschia satin and think, “What a shame.”  But still, A+ for improvement.

Jessica Alba in Gucci

Initially, I looked at this photo and thought, “That’s a great dress.”  But when I looked back, I realized that the dress was just okay.  What I was lusting after wasn’t the gown, it was the flawless olive skin of the woman wearing it, perfectly complimented by the dress’s dusty lavender color.  Also, as a reader pointed out in last night’s liveblog, the matchy-matchy bag is a bit bridal party for my taste. So close, but yet, so far.

Michelle Williams in Jason Wu

I like this gown, but I don’t love it.  It’s a very safe choice without much to get excited about.  I mean, I know she’s a Mom and everything now, but I’m hoping for something sultry and striking on the Oscar carpet. Here’s hoping that she channels a little Marilyn in March.

And I’m really not sure about the headband.  It’s a little too wide and a little to juvenile for my taste, but with Williams gamine look, it kind of works.